Failed Relationships

I am going through a tough time right now. As some of you may already know, my wife of 16 years and I have separated. This is probably the most painful hurt I have ever had to endure in my lifetime. More painful than when I lost my brother and more painful than living through my parent’s divorce a long time ago. I have had many opportunities since my wife moved out  to reflect on my life and my behaviors and the things that make me happy and the things that make me sad.

So, why am I writing about my troubles and why am I advertizing them to you? I’m not exactly sure. I write to try to get in touch with who I am, and perhaps I write to you as a sounding board. To just write and journal is not enough. To know that someone might empathize and understand with what I am going through is helpful. While I was taking a ride yesterday and really doing my best to dampen the hurt by increasing my bodily pain, I came to a strange realization that probably many of us who have adopted this sport, have done so because it feels good to be in agony. Maybe this applies to you too.

Like my emotions, the route I chose had many ups and downs. Each hill I came to, I sank my teeth into and worked my way to the top, feeling the burn in my legs and lungs. At the top my heart was ready to explode. Then, a momentary rest, as I descended, my heart slowed, my legs recovered, and my heart began to ache. I looked forward to the next hill where I could perhaps forget a bit about the thoughts running through my head.

I love my wife very much. Like most marriages, ours had difficulties. From not spending enough time together to saying hurtful things to complaining about work, finances and the difficulties of parenthood, our marriage fell into a rut of bad habits and negativity.  There are many intricacies, as I’m sure most of you are aware of, in a marriage that can result in personal damages. Feelings get hurt, the heart detaches and a need to feel human again arises in a way so strong that the only solution seems to be escape. I’m not here to explain what each of us did to come to this end result. All I can try to do is try to identify who I am and what makes me the way I am.

My friends tell me, “why would she leave you? You’re the nicest guy I know.” This raised a question in myself. Why am I nice to my friends, yet hurtful to the ones I love? Because, these are the people who know how to hurt me. And surprisingly, I realized that the one person who can hurt me the most is me. I am a damagingly harsh critic of myself. And, I am really well rehearsed at torturing myself. Is this why I ride so hard every time I hit the road? Am I trying to dull my emotions? Am I trying to kill my hurt with pain? Am I trying to manifest emotional pain into physical pain? Or, am I trying to dig out something genuine in myself through the physical torture of my body? What am I really trying to accomplish? I’m not exactly sure. These are some of the questions I need to try to answer for myself.  All I am sure about is that cycling is as much a part of my intellect as it is with my body as it is with my spirit. Now, It’s just a matter of finding out who I really am and how I can use this sport and my brain to heal.

I leave you with this. Some may be wondering why they just wasted time reading my journal, others may find that it connects with them in some way.  The bottom line is, pain gives birth to success. The desire to achieve is not a bad desire. The need to win is not a bad need. The want to improve health, body, spirit and mind, is not a bad want. We are born from the challenges and difficulties that life throws at us and turn those into our own successes. This is what makes us who we are.
With peace,
Paul